monday morning motivator!: 14, something in the way

pushing the stone

okay then. it’s a new month, and i was going to take a bit of a deepening from the theme of presence or sustainment, the ram energy, the krishna vishnu energy, by dipping into thankfulness, and using my morning pages as an opportunity to explore the depths of my gratitude and yet…gratitude is not my strong point.

even though i am blessed a thousand times over, gratitude is not my strength. and even though it is obvious to me when i look at it that a good dose of gratitude for everything in my life would be the dynamo that i need to really make things shine and to shift my energy in the direction of getting one or two of my brilliant ideas into manifestation…still yet…

something in the way

there is something that drowns out the gratitude. and so my project for the week remains directed morning pages: thank u; and more about all of that at a later time…as in order to get into that particular project i first have to excavate this thing that is is in the way. this block to rock star happiness that has been the block to everything exciting and shiny.

• the block to follow-through.
• the block to full self-expression.
• the block to offering love and affection.
• the block that has been in my way, whichever way i turn, ever since…

well…that’s the sort of thing that may be found out in an excavation! carbon dating and all of that.

planting seeds

yeah. because there is this thing…when i teach a class, or when i work with people one on one, the fruits of this block reveal themselves, and i offer them up freely to my students and clients, who then go on to plant the seeds from the fruit and find that everything in their lives begins to shine a little brighter.

and here am i working and teaching, all just to get this little opening of the heart in my life, and then offer that ability to others. and my skill and wisdom in this area grow and grow and still my essential woundedness remains, this essential sadness, which i keep trying to turn away from, to leave behind. 

spiraling homeward

and yet it always comes back in some new form, and then i realize hey! this is deja vu! wow. and pretty soon i can look back and see that one of the overlays of my life is a journey away from some deep saddening wound only to arrive at the future home of another deep saddening wound that looks vaguely familiar, and thereby comfortable and attractive!

so of course by now i am very good at this and consequently very good at healing form it and helping others to heal from it. i’m an expert. and yet there is the repetition. which is another type of wound deeper still. the wound of continually walking into these situations.

and it always shows up in the form of woman, and in the form of disconnection from my muse, and in the form of a lack of follow-through, a deep layered procrastination that is really more of a just don’t want to do that, go there, think about this, etc. yeah.

a little side-step to talk about early rising

here’s something i found out about myself. it’s hard for me to get up. it’s hard for me to get started. and once i’m up, i’m up. once i’ve gotten started, i’m off! and then that whole “i’m tired,” or “it’s too much,” or whatever, just dis-pa-hears, as rowan would say. gone. poof.

the quicker i put my feet on the floor the easier it is to get out of bed. the faster i put pen to paper, or finger to keyboard, or foot to pavement…it’s like i sidestep that block, just like hundreds of people have sidestepped that useless road block up at the top of this post!

back to our regularly scheduled programming

so of course there are always distractions. there is a world full of distractions. yeah.

• telephone
• television
• cigarette
• cup of coffee
• can of beer

that’s my old list of things that get me out of here. yeah. oh yeah. and all of those i have either dropped or converted or relegated to travel time. you can guess which is which if you’d like.

and my new list? well. now we come back to the excavation. which goes like this:

be here with this deep essential sadness, this deep essential sense of unworthiness, of failure. and of avoidance.

where do we go from here?

this week i want to sit with it and see what it is all about. yes. and explore my thankfulness at the same time. like mirrored pages in a book. yes. just to see if i can make my brain and heart explode at the same time.

woo hoo!

yeah.

i promise to clean up the mess myself. yeah. i won’t take pictures, though. somethings are just too…you know…