friday afternoon update! 25: the “whatever you want” edition

 

it’s been a long week.

it’s kind of kicked me in the ass. for two weeks now i’ve been teaching yoga classes based on this moon cycle–the alder moon, symbolized by fire and resurrection, the moon that heals self-doubt–and silently, unbeknownst to me, this thing was creeping up on me. as the moon brew bigger, so did my own self doubt.

it began to encompass every aspect of my life.

tuesday is when it really hit me. monday i was rocking out actually and everything was fine–because i was able to gloss over it in my usual way. and then tuesday i spent five hours in a cafe struggling to write something that never ended up satisfying me. and i published it anyway. struggling to show the world this thing that i have going on. like the doubt i have to deal with is the doubt of others.

i don’t think so.

it really started to overwhelm me on that day. and then wednesday joely black had her black day and i didn’t know what the hell to say think or feel about that. i watched other people who are on their game, tim brownson and mel, rise up to the occasion and throw out a life raft. i think it was the throwing out that was important. perhaps there was an outward effect.

and ultimately–

i felt that part of myself that wants to rip off my skin and scream to the whole fucking world–help me! help me! i’ve fallen and i can’t get up! what the fuck am i supposed to be doing with my life? somebody tell me!

ack. and aargh. ay yi yi — cripes! the silence. silence silence silence. and just the skin crawling and feelings of being lost in a wilderness, adrift on an ocean, trapped alone behind a wall of my own making–just an echo of my cries coming back to me–

what? what? what? what? what?

i i i i i 

do do do do do 

and then that answer that is the one you never want to hear when you’ve asked that question…

shall i just digress for a minute?

it was a beautiful day yesterday–60° and clear skies and just lovely–and due to circumstances not exacrtly beyond my influence and anyway as i’ve noted before i’ve taken on some hours at a job. yeah. drive to the t. take the t. walk to a building. spend six hours or so in the building. make a paltry sum. go outside and see this beautiful day i just missed.

anyway. it came to me that with just a little bit of effort i could be doing the exact same work–and making the exact same money–in just like 2 or 3 hours–and i could be getting outside 2 or 3 times a day, and have so much more freedom–and then of course i would be facing more free time and that question again–what am i supposed to do? and that silent answer that speaks so loudly:

whatever you want!

whatever you want! really. literally. and me? how do i answer that? what do i want? yeah.

so it has come to this!

i’m 17 sitting in a car with 3 friends and one says to another “what do you want to do?” and another says “i don’t know. what do you want to do?” and then another and another. this would go on for an hour and then it would be time to go home and go to sleep. another exciting night spent avoiding homework and family.

and then i’m talking to the woman and she’s just wrecked, thoroughly exhausting day running all over boston charlestown west roxbury arranging one childcare thing after another and she announces that she just can’t even think about dealing with a kitchen, turning on a burner or washing a dish and i’m like fine! let’s go out to eat!

and it takes us an hour and a half to decide where to eat. and ultimately we let the boy decide–becasue it’s just so crushingly hard to make a decision.

so all i can say is that

i hope this fucking moon healing self doubt is just pulling this shit to the surface so it can lance it like a boil and let that indecision ooze–cos i’m ready for that. i’m ready to just be beyond this what do you want to eat i don’t know what do you want to drink i don’t know where do you want to go i don’t know.

yeah.

okay. yeah. so i don’t know.

fine. i don’t know. and i’m ready to get on with it anyway! i’m ready to get beynd doing what i know. going with the know. ya know?

seriously.

cos i don’t know, and i’m just ready to get it going anyway.

thanks girlpie.

this wasn’t very short and sweet, and that’s what you get when you ask for something from the heart and the gut w/no editing or proofing.

paz.

or is that pax?