row row row your boat
so the hardest thing about this week has been stepping back from the need to do do do think think think plan plan plan for tomorrow tomorrow tomorrow. wow and whew! what a rush and a push! what a compulsion! yeah.
it’s like wow–the do more thing is so powerful and ever present. whew. whew. whew.
so then the 2nd most difficult thing is wow! what to do when it’s not about forward progress? yeah. like…what is now anyway? what does it mean to focus on sustainment? what does it mean to be present to what is here now?
gently down the stream
and why all this focus on meaning? yikes! so anyway, there we go. somehow or other just being, the province of children and young lovers, has become rare rare rare. like, too much time just being and i’ll get way behind. then i’ll have to catch up. hell! i’m already way behind! i’m already playing catch up! there’s just too much to do!
merrily merrily merrily merrily
it’s like one of those dreams where…i used to wait tables, so that’s what these dreams always work with, and it could be anything i’m sure; and for me it would be some kind of thing where i’m just living my life, any sort of dream-like thing where i’m just hanging out and doing my own thing and enjoying myself and then i suddenly find myself getting sucked into waiting tables–suddenly it’s oh! i’m supposed to be doing this work, and i’m behind the 8 ball.
then of course there are the many variation that can come into play.
- the table i’ve forgotten about for the past hour.
- the mistake that i keep making over and over.
- suddenly being aware that i’m naked.
- drifting out of the whole waiting tables thing and into another scene and then remembering that i’m supposed to be working
…and then…when it’s just too frustrating…
life is just a dream
i realize that this is a dream…and i’ve just got to wake up! get real! be in the present moment! yeah. so it’s always such a relief to realize that hey! i can stop this. i can get off this wheel before it rolls over and crushes me again. wow.
and that’s the sort of feeling i get from this week of trying to focus on just supporting and sustaining what is present in my life. it’s like i have this permanent voice in my head, a back seat driver, over in the passenger side of the back seat–always going on with a do this do that and a don’t just stand there do something kind of freak out.
oh my. that person is annoying! and they really make the ride a lot less enjoyable! yeah! not just a back-seat driver, either–a back-seat boston driver! all about the weaving in and weaving out and scraping and scrapping to get the best position and pull a little bit ahead and make that light! oh! you asshole! yeah.
so there we are. i’ve spotted the culprit. and just like when you get one of those jerks behind you who is pushing and tailgating and you know the best way to burn ‘em is to slow down just enough that they can’t pass you, and they can’t get that speed that they are craving…well…that’s the challenge for me.
monsters and popcorn and juice oh my!
so last night we watched rudolf the red-nosed reindeer on a scratchy dvd from the library, and rowan sat there eating home-made popcorn cooked old-school in a glass lidded pot, very yummy yum, made with ghee and that celtic sea salt that i use to make my perfect oatmeal;
and he’s on notice and prepared to cover his eyes and plug his ear in case the snow monster comes on the screen…at a couple of points he even got up and stood next to the screen to be ready on the mark to hit the off button. it was very cute and very present. quite fun.
and beside the tension of the snow monster who might appear at any moment, there was the tension of no juice! yep. rowan has been drinking a mix of half juice and half water for a long long time, and we just got directions from the doc yesterday–i can’t say i’m sorry about this because i’ve actually been lobbying for it all along–to stop all juice, concentrated sweets, and lactose…for the next 7 days…to see if his digestion gets any better.
well…he was pretty agreeable about this when the doc made the call, and then he was pretty disagreeable about it later on, when the sweets monster kicked in and he needed needed needed his juice! and lemon water didn’t cut it. and chamomile tea didn’t cut it. and northwest blackberry tea (tastes sweet to me!) didn’t cut it.
tiggers don’t like haycorns!
and that was the point where he began running around the house yelling “rowans don’t like tea! rowans don’t like tea!” just like tigger going on that tiggers don’t like honey and thistle and haycorns!
and that, i think, was the fruit of the week. just being present with rowan. just slowing down and letting go of that feeling that i’ve got to do more, catch up, get ahead, beat this recession man!
oh. and i accepted a position. two days a week 9-3 doing massage at a spa over on newbury street. very shi shi. as wally shawn would say, somebody has to earn some money! yeah.
nourish your presence!
so there we go! it’s been a week. a good one. i think being more focused on what is, on feeding it and watering it and making sure it gets enough light…i think that’s a healing agent i’m going to stick with. remind me please if i slip up and start getting focussed on that empty spot 2 cars up ahead. thanks. i’ve got your back too!
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